Danielle (caemlynrain) wrote,

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Moonlit Confessions

You have the Power of Flight!

What's Your Magic Power?
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the past two weeks i'v been avoiding all emotion because i know what i will see...uncontrollable grief. i saw her sunglasses last week. just knowing that they will never sit on her face again...
intelectual happiness started wednesday. thanks to a great train called anamiloke araura. the jist of her philosophy was: "i've never felt anything really, there is always a spit atom holding me back. I've never really heard anything before, there is always a soundwave in the way....and as for seeing, lightwaves don't mean shit. thats y i consentrait so much on love, its the only true thing u can every know you've felt. it's raw emotion. nothing but yourself to hold you back." than, like fucking magic, a cannon went off in my brain, the beauty of life flooded back into my conciousness, and i once again had the desire to seek answers to life--after months of shutting down. i'm reading the Devil's Advocate. It reminds me a lot of te Grapes of Wrath because it shows how humanity struggles to survive, and how faith is a flashlight in the midst of meterialistic chaos. I like it because it reflects many of my beliefs suprisingly. the belief that the work u do is not important. It is living your life as a reflection of your beliefs that matters. in 100 years, it is very unlikly that i will be remebered for the aid or destruction of anyone. The only reason y i feel that my individual life is imoprtant is because i'm working for a greater cause, beyond fucking meterialism and this world...souls,humanity,LIGHT.the belief that: "I was, I am, and I shall ever be."

I got to talk to Denise Thursday night on the beach. REALLY talk to her. we haven't spoken like that in almost a year. She really is one of my best friends. I'm lucky to know her. when i was talking to her i realized that this year, i stoped thinking, questioning, seeking, and just mindlessly worked. trying to ignore my feelings. 9 people have died, and i did not get to physically say goodbye to One of them. When i work, i don't have to feel sad, i can just escape...I know i will have to deal with everything that has happened this year soon, very soon. But for some reason (probably insane denial) it feels right to say, "no, they're alive." I keep driving past my Great Grandmothers old nursing home. i can see her bedroom. I can see her smiling and waiting to be pushed outside for a walk...but her sunglasses aren't in their drawer. they're packed away. and she is ashes.
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