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Danielle's Journal
20 most recent entries

Date:2003-08-31 22:35
Subject:androgenous (however the fuck u spell it)
Mood: content

quizes....i know i know.
WHAT GODDESS R U IN BED: Heavens above -- you are an absolute goddess in bed! Your deep spirituality and unconventional style drive WOmen crazy with desire. The Goddess Demeter is your inner deity, and she guides your every move.

Emotionally mature quiz: well, i think i lost points just for taking this quiz. apparntly 6/10 is "quite adult and dosn't let yourself get carried away"

emotional IQ: Your test results show that your strongest suit is perception — your ability to pick up on what others are feeling. IQ is 117.

*so i've been reading "fried green tomatoes." thats a huge source of happiness. thank u anami. god u remind me of idgie. i hope i can tell u that in person this week. i graduate saterday....
*my mom dosn't like the person i've become. she was crying to my dad because i'm gay. can't stand the fact that HER DAUGHTER, no, i don't have a name, isn't her dream image. she won't stop yelling at me for wasting money ( i used two plastic bags and four peices of paper towell in 2 weeks. yes, i waste.)for some reason brian calling me attractive made me feel better. (no way in hell we'd ever date, but i like attention as we all know.) mike called me three times this week. hes my best guy friend. i miss him very much. hes the only guy that i fully trust. which is strange. considering...
*this weekend was magical. i haven't felt this complete in many moons. i just love how i am in the summer. and who i am. i like being free. i need to kiddnap denise for another moonlit disscussion. she is the best at that. i fear humanity because it is dying and embodies death. i embrace it because it is natural, and free in itself.

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Date:2003-05-08 19:55
Subject:Entertwining Wisps of Smoke
Mood: artistic

Dali was fun :) well, i should say, the museum of fine arts was really fun, dali i don't remember. as the tour started i had the most brilliant thought of my life and then passed out. woke up an hour later in a wheelchair. Ali, with a giant patch over her eye wheeled me around and took care of me **Ali is the bestest friend ever**
started work saterday-loved it. hated it by monday. but it makes decent money, and it its really slow paced (i like it fast) but thats cool. everything that happens is ment to be. I want to leap up and fall into the black starlit sky right now. see my family away from home... life has rebloomed yet again in my eyes.
saw one of my old best friends today. shes 4 months pregnant. everyones getting pregnant lately. thank god i don't go for the kind that have sperm... ewww. spermies.
i'm actually doing a pastel i'm proud of in art. i'm listening to audioslave right now. theyre guitar helps me think...just let the notes take me away to higher planes where frequencies are used for communication.

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Date:2003-04-18 23:24
Subject:Moonlit Confessions
Mood: nostalgic

You have the Power of Flight!

What's Your Magic Power?
brought to you by Quizilla

the past two weeks i'v been avoiding all emotion because i know what i will see...uncontrollable grief. i saw her sunglasses last week. just knowing that they will never sit on her face again...
intelectual happiness started wednesday. thanks to a great train called anamiloke araura. the jist of her philosophy was: "i've never felt anything really, there is always a spit atom holding me back. I've never really heard anything before, there is always a soundwave in the way....and as for seeing, lightwaves don't mean shit. thats y i consentrait so much on love, its the only true thing u can every know you've felt. it's raw emotion. nothing but yourself to hold you back." than, like fucking magic, a cannon went off in my brain, the beauty of life flooded back into my conciousness, and i once again had the desire to seek answers to life--after months of shutting down. i'm reading the Devil's Advocate. It reminds me a lot of te Grapes of Wrath because it shows how humanity struggles to survive, and how faith is a flashlight in the midst of meterialistic chaos. I like it because it reflects many of my beliefs suprisingly. the belief that the work u do is not important. It is living your life as a reflection of your beliefs that matters. in 100 years, it is very unlikly that i will be remebered for the aid or destruction of anyone. The only reason y i feel that my individual life is imoprtant is because i'm working for a greater cause, beyond fucking meterialism and this world...souls,humanity,LIGHT.the belief that: "I was, I am, and I shall ever be."

I got to talk to Denise Thursday night on the beach. REALLY talk to her. we haven't spoken like that in almost a year. She really is one of my best friends. I'm lucky to know her. when i was talking to her i realized that this year, i stoped thinking, questioning, seeking, and just mindlessly worked. trying to ignore my feelings. 9 people have died, and i did not get to physically say goodbye to One of them. When i work, i don't have to feel sad, i can just escape...I know i will have to deal with everything that has happened this year soon, very soon. But for some reason (probably insane denial) it feels right to say, "no, they're alive." I keep driving past my Great Grandmothers old nursing home. i can see her bedroom. I can see her smiling and waiting to be pushed outside for a walk...but her sunglasses aren't in their drawer. they're packed away. and she is ashes.

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Date:2003-04-11 21:47
Subject:Betting... i see y its addicting.
Mood: cheerful

I was in my art class for 5 periods yesterday painting a "posturly" incorrect portrait of the lovely goddess Tara. she has boobs...i hope i can still put it in the art show. otherwise its this picture everyone loves but i think is extreamly talentless and stark. i just used my meterials differently than everyone else. i skipped school today and went gamboling with my grandma. first time we've ever done it leagally together. since the age of 3-17 i had to hide under the table while she distracted the guy in charge. i made 20 bucks. won 6/7 races. ::happy dance:: i can buy my busch gardens ticket now! wa hoo! i love my grandma. she isn't like normal old people, i mean, shes set in her ways and has grey hair, but what grandma world drag her grandkid outa school, let her drink, and then take her gamboling? she can do the coolest watercolor pics. she taught me almost everything i know when it comes to art...and spelling unfortunatley (bad speller);) heh. anyway, its earliy (only 10 pm) i'm outa here. sam/denise, any of u know whats goin on tomm? i can get the car, we just may have to drive to fruitville to get it. i emailed u guys.

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Date:2003-04-06 22:24
Mood: numb

the best way to deaden emotion is through meterializm. so, last night, not wanting to leave my family, i made them go shopping with me at target. no one had gotten me a present yet, so i had to do that. i bought a pritty floating candle chandalier. then we went to publix, so i could get cake stuff to make my birthday cake ( my dad made this yummy frosting for it...). saw jess's mom. i could see she thought it was weird i was with my family at a grocery store at 9pm on a saterday. i didn't wanna explain. as were walking to the car, i feel a tingle. its happening. 5 minutes later, i felt her soul slip out of her body. i took her to where the Watched get cleansed, she was all light. she physically died around 11-12 today(damn time change is confusing.)
brett and i decided that we need to be happy, so he bought me a goldfish for my birthday. 2, actually. Lilo, a pritty gold one, and Stitch-this ugli black one :) my mom got me this holistic healing book for my bday too. my grandparents didn't comeover, but they haven't slept for three days, i don't blame them, nobody wanted to celebrate. i think we just wanted the icecream cake-icecream is comforting.
Brett is one of my faverite people on earth. he is good at heart, extreamly intelegent, and realizes things the way a 70 year old man looking back on the truly important things, he sees LIFE. humans are strange creatures...they're flesh and actions amaze me. i cannot even begin to describe the thoughts of inquiry that run through this maze in my mind. there is beauty and destruction everywhere. Tomarrow has no death.

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Date:2003-04-03 16:23
Subject:When Rednecks Shoot Stars
Mood: rejuvenated

Vacation was the blessing I had been waiting for for many moons. It came and went quickly, but i finally was able to take a deep breath, and just feel the cosmos around me, and not have to worry about any more flaming WORK. ***yes, thats right, i finished algebra!*** ::does the happy dance::
i had to give up alot of bad friendships this year. won't mention the names, but i just couldn't keep putting energy into thankless voids in human bodies. this is the first year i'v been honestly and conciously happy more than i have been depressed and confused in years. New friendships with people i have more in common with have bloomed and taken the place of the dead, as is apropriate every spring. My room is a reflection of me, it has been clean for a week now--for a year i left it in shambles because i could not face myself or my meterial reflection. I'm starting to explore my abilities with energies more, winter makes it hard to work, and i have seen three spirits this week. a vast improvment seeing i was blind a month ago. i'v just stopped caring about school, and many of the people there--i'm just trying to create my own environment for myself, i'm tired of the pre-made ones.
my great grandma is dying. she is 92 and a half.(oh yeah, sam, our grandma is dying...) 8 others whom were in my family or close family friends have died since christmas. its been hard to motivate myself when i know someone else is going to die within the next few weeks. Death visits in Three's. Hopefully my G.G's will b the last. i'm so tired of death, i just want to breathe and feel the sun on my face.
i'm moving out in October/November. I don't know if that will help my mother and i or not, but either way, i feel it is time to leave. the chips will fall where they may.
Right now, I'm just letting the energies flow around my body, feeling the entire universe in my palm, and knowing that i have a greater purpose. electricity pulses through my viens with every breathe of air, and i am home. i'm just flying through the stars, smiling at what will be. Time without End.

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Date:2003-02-22 12:24
Mood: giddy

i'm going to cut my hair. what i want: long, short, edgy, whimsical, floaty, drumcircle mysitcal pritty, big black boots apropriate, punish...so spiky, but lord of the rings-ish.
does this hairstyle exist? i'm not sure... ::jepordy music in background::

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Date:2003-02-12 16:41
Subject:lines on the paper
Mood: determined

i miss writing on real paper. there were lines on it. computers to fuckin fancy to have lines. all the simplicity in life is gone. terrible news this morning, so i make the best of it, smile, have an amazing day, get home with about 6 hours of homework/makeup work. i was really happy it wasn't the 12 i was expecting...and because i had to catch the goddam bus, i had to leave all that fuckin work in my locker. i try so goddam hard to make things work, so i can get this damn scholarship so my brothers can go to college too, and its like it dosn't even matter. (plays linkin park song). i'm sick of trying, and yet we all no y i work. gotta avoid feelings. feelings make u cut. i saw that picture of that girl getting suspended...i wanted to fuckin tear the spikes outa her back and rake them across my chest. so i decided, i'm not ready to fully take on USF, i'm going to both colleges. and maybe the eastern medicine college after christmas. and y am i going to college? to avoid these goddam FEELINGS. gotta get a steady job, last year was hell when i wasn't sure where the hell i was gonna live after arthur andersen fell. fucking enron bastards. i try to realise my dreams, but i'm not some fucking millionare, i can't afford dreams. this time last year, i was cutting myself whenever the hell i wanted, doing whoever i wanted. self destruction is the answer after all right kids? tyhen i just had to go and become HAPPY. yes, thats right ladies and gentlemen, excluding the occasional bouts of wanted to slice off all of my flesh and be swallowed into an oblivion, i'm actually extreamly happy. i have never been so conciously happy in my life. and i think thats what makes these cravings hurt so much now...i can feel. its hard to ignore those fuckers when your not becoming one with that buzzing noise u can hear when u slip under the water in the tub.
conclusions i've come to:
1) tommarows going to be okay, life is managable.
2) my mother and i will never be close
3) if it weren't for the fact that brad pitts voice turned me on, i'd b a lesbian. but if i was gonna sleep with him, i think i'd run away. i'm not the slightest bit attracted to...down there.
4) freedom is only freedom when u aren't conciously hurting others to have it. most people are not free, they are selfish. freedom only exists to the select few.
5) I'm not fucking giving up. i'm not pegged to a cross or at the bottom of an ocean, i can still do Anything.

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Date:2002-12-28 23:13
Subject:my sheets r made out of beech trees
Mood: curious

What do your thoughts resemble?

brought to you by Quizilla

this pic wouldn't show up, i wanna c if it does here...

this week: made ornaments with all-e-sun. went to drum circle 3 times. went to margaruites-met the hott new firedancer, and Shad. Shad rules. i had a turkey sandwich on christmas day. four people i know died. i saw 7 years in tibet, gathered my life together and completly changed how i see life. i don't hate it anymore. its just a vacation from my home. thats all. so, i'm bloody gonna enjoy it :) i'v felt extreamly spiritual and have really connected with my higher self.
went to dave's party on friday and saw lord of the rings. i'm going to learn that back*filp thing legolos does. plan to be able to achieve this great feat:
1) buy horse
2) buy 2 chineese wives
2a)one works to earn money to pay for horse, the other takes care of horse
3) find that drunk guy on the beach and have him teach me ti-chi.
4)dig up albert einstein, he'll know how to defy gravity
5)kidnap energizer bunny, he'll no how to build up my arm muscles.
6)bleach hair

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Date:2002-12-12 22:28
Mood: hopeful

ok, i can perfectly describe what i'm feeling. i feel like i'm not living my life for myself. yeah ths normal, but i can usually escape into the tiny world i created in my head, but they took that too. i know who i want to be, where i want to go, and who i want there with me, its just exteamly unrealistic...well, the what i want to be part atleast.

side note: fez actually turned out to be a nice guy once he kept his hands off. he thinks alot like me, and hes a californian tree hugger :)

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Date:2002-12-12 19:31
Subject:Empty coffee cup
Mood: blank

Recently: i dyed my hair, because i finaly can, dun dah dahhhh! i'v been fired! and i'm 80% sure i'm going to apply to te grainery, as far as ican see its perfect, just gota check the hours/trasportation ( SCAT is a wonderful friend... Mac, u'r are very much so missed here. everywhere i look recently it reminds me of you. was i included in the whore category? anyways, its christmas time, maybe my last christmas at home, wheres the angel for the tree? maybe i'll put an oven mit on it. sam tried to drink mouthwash...lol, now tha was funny. went home with denise today, i love my daughter. met justin~sorry if i seemed like a bitch, not my usual self. u have great music. i'v figured out what is wrong with my life, i'm not creative anymore, i'm a machine. lucky machines have melt downs::huge grin:: and i love burning them.
Bitching: i feel like i'm in a holiday jello mold, just waiting for someone to stab we with a fork. life is this big black blur, and i feel ike i'm drowning again. i have a lifevestt, but the water keeps lapping over my head still. go figure.
Thoughts: i haven't been in my body in a long time, i'v forgotten who "Danielle" is on this plane. In fact, i don't give a flying fuck for this plane, except those few whom i know and am close to that cannot get off of it. lately i'v been dreaming of blood. I want to cut my flesh away...hate this plane's body. I'm an empty coffee mug, the coffee has been consumed and is elsewhere, where it belongs most of the time. i've seen where i can be, where i truly belong.

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Date:2002-10-18 12:18
Subject:quizes...sams made me addicted

A different quiz, what strange type of person are you?

brought to you by Quizilla

Who are you?

can we say multi-personality?

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Date:2002-08-28 15:53
Subject:the leaves r melting into society on my paper
Mood: ecstatic

*the past week*
sam turned 18 :)and i want lisa's grey jacket.
mike came and went and i miss him. he and i hung out alot and he was actually a gentleman...true i didn't need to see him get undressed in katies car but lol, it was funny. I got to hang out with denise last night, went to camila's party on friday, and spent almost the entire rest of the weekend with sky between temple, the circle, and margaurites. mike, katie and i had a sitting orgy, abby and her friend sat in for a bit, then monday we went back to the beach and did it again. I have a date sunday if everything goes according to plan (extreamly excited). guys i need suggestions on where to go! anyone no of any good movies that have come out? ::twirls about:: rayne and wara patched things up...they realized they miscommunicated and are friends now...it was so cool to watch, they acted really mature about it. ::motherly tear falls frum eye::
so its been raining the past two days...i love the rain. i'v played in it lots now and i feel very british. mrs. davis wouldn't let me play durring lunch though, but thats ok cuz my 7th period is cold...yay its raining again!! ::frolics outside::

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Date:2002-08-19 14:58
Subject:Experience means you've just had more time to make mistakes~Rayne
Mood: curious

almost got in 3 accidents thiss weekend. one my fault, two stephanie. the npoor thing got scared so i drove for her. i'm thinking of buying her car. i love it. steph and i went to the beach, i'm burned!! :) yay! today i did something i'm ashamed of. won't say it. but otherwise i had a great day. got to see rayne for about 3 hours. nick drove me home. ::thanks nick!:: it more fun to talk to him than ride the bus. i think he and i might b able to b friends. but i showed him that i'm a pointless friend so who knows. what must be will be. mike's coming into town tonight and i'm extreamly excited. even though i'm not going to fuck his brains out like i thought i was going to about a year ago. but its better this way. what rayne said to me: "sex can't mean nothing with someone like you danielle, its either positive or negative and u know damn well he isn't positive for you."
Today i spent the day remembering last year. how denise and i hung out almost every single day. i miss that severly and i really wanna c her this week if we can work out a day she and i aren't both busy. if i can find out what day the show is maybe i can go w/her. if shes working tonight i might b able to go visit her if i can have the car then. i think u can play connect the dots with my sunburn. ::grabs a marker::

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Date:2002-08-16 15:37
Subject:Wish Alice Cooper was right....schools only out for 2 days. lol
Mood: cheerful

first friday of the year and i'm fnally back in my school pattern. i have about 3-5 hours of homework each night so i'v come to the conclusion that a job is out of the question. i miss my friends and i miss ALSO. i didn't get to go all summer and i miss the people there. rayne has three consecutive periods with me and i'm extremly happy about that. we do al this spiritual stuff during class. yesterday we played with eachothers energies. i'v never actually commanded mine in this astrial level and i figured out how toastrial project..finally. lol. i'm still weak at it and don't leave fully but i know whats blocking me and i don't wanna deal with it right now :) mikes comming into town monday night!!! YAY! i've missed him alot and can't wait to c him:) other people i miss tons:
Everyone at ALSO
Matt (leaving for college)
Dan (leaving for college)
And Sky, shes always near me now but i miss seeing her in person and stuff..
anyways, rayne is going with me tomm night to the crcle and i'm very very excited. shes the first person i'v ever felt at home and trusted right away. i loved people right away...like the silly teenager i am, but i'v never trusted someone right away. I'm so happy shes come into my life and that we both feel the same way about each other. shes helped me grow in so many ways this week and just helped me to stay true to what i want in life.

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Date:2002-08-13 15:31
Subject:Happy Bubbles
Mood: jubilant

i'm the new secratery!!!!!!! ::does that happy dance and shakes her grove thang::

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Date:2002-08-11 20:16
Subject:Dancing on the Moon
Mood: ecstatic

went to the drum circle with camila last night :) missed abby's party but denise and i are plotting to avenge our...is misdeeds the word? anyways, went to the circle. and i have this to say about sky: she is the most loving and generous person ever :) she sees me for who i want to be. and i'm still in aw over what she said to me today at margaurites...getting ahead of myself. after saterday night drum circle i came home real quick, then camila and i wentto her house where we had a girlz night and a sleep over. went to church with her today instead of the temple, and you no, i like her church. they didn't pressure me, they thought it was cool that i was buddhist, and i was completely welcome :) after church i went to margaurites lil get-2-gether. sky showed me around...that place is heaven on earth! it has a lake, spiritual house, wood everything, a future lotus pond ::huge grin::, tons of gardens and paths in the jungle atmosphere. i met some cool spiritualists there and while sky showed me around,, i realized that sky is making all od my major ambitions and dreams available if not helping tem to come true. i won't say what she said cuz it was private, but i still can't believe she has that much faith in me. not that she can't trust me, cuz i would do my best for her always, but i mean i would never hurt the circle knowingly. its just that i'm young...lol. anyways, i came home and just as i was about to head to the next circle...the skys opened up with my dear friend rain. so i threw my new veil over my face, climed into bed and started reading my book. ::sighs happily:: i love the rain :)
**comment on denise's journal**
denise, we must talk about that friend thing, tha is if its ok wth you... oh, our locker is 1716, i'll try to come see you at lunch to give you the combo. :) ::goes into mom mode:: have a good day at school sweetie!! ::wipes snot from her nose cuz every kid always needs that done::

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Date:2002-08-08 18:29
Mood: hopeful

ok, feeling better finally! i slept and took a bath and used all theses incense, candles and crystals and i'm bac to my old self! i think i might go to the beach possible..if i feel up to it/have a car/its still light out. otherwise perhaps denise will go w/ me tomm night? i shall ask her. maybe we can have a picnic there or sumthin...i think i have a subway coupon.
i keep seeing reflections of humanity everywhere..my humanity not the actual deffinition denise informed me of. i think i'm about to have a huge break through...that is i'll let myself after i get school situated. gota make sure i can graduate now. but the more i think about ethipoia the better it sounds. i'v always wanted to live out in the middle of no where in a tent :) i used to love to make TeePee's when i was lil.

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Date:2002-08-08 15:51
Subject:Bitching because i need it to go away.
Mood: pessimistic

today has been interesting to say the least...lol. i woke up and had my period. i get to school and theres a huge line even though i got there a 1/2 hour earlie. get schedule, i'm missing classes i need to graduate. get locker. its a bottom one. go with steph so she can get a car space. "bob" is behind us. now that i won't commit my life/hymen to him i'm not worth speaking to apparently. i have to go to the bathroom, i finally found one thats open, the wind from hte door closing fast blows a twenty dollar bill outa my hand and into the toilet. luckily this toilet wasd only Half covered in green school mold. get back in line with steph. people keep asking me what my car looks like. then they look at me like i'm dumb when i say i don't have one i'm only in line for steph. "kisha" then brags about how she got into my art class cuz shes an art genius. shes only had 2d art, she can't shade. i worked my ass off to get into that class. dad comes and hour later to pick steph and i up. go to dentist. and i got a free bleach thing (best thing and the greatest thing that could happen all day thank you so much denist lady!) go to wendy's. there mold on my sandwhich. i went to sleep when i got home and everything is better. come to the conclusion that i don't need to graduate, have a bf or gf, have a car, or a good senior year. i'm figure in ethipoia u don't need a degree to be a doctor. and maybe i'll have a tiger for a pet with a pritty tail like this )~

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Date:2002-08-07 20:59
Mood: sleepy

Reading this book called "left behind." i really like it even though it has to do w/ christianity because its about the rapture, which i'v always found interesting. I started questioning the little things in life today. i made myself look at certain people and c what i love/hate about them and now i love my mom a hell of alot more than i did waking up this morning (i loved her then to though.) demons were in my house again. sent them away cuz they bothered giga(my dog.) i stared at the leaves while it was raining. i love to do that cuz these little epiphanies just pop out of my mind like buttered popcorn. There fun to munch on later. the finality and chaos of life is mind boggling at the momoment. the chaos is orderly but its hard to fit it together...matt and i hung out last night. brett was completely off the walls and annoyed us to near death (his.) lol. but otherwise we had fun making smoothies and watching a nightmare before christmas (i taught him how to draw to.) oh, if any of u guys have any tricks for making dream catchers stay stuck in the ceiling please tell e. i'v tried gum, tacs, tape, and crazy glue so far. thanks :) ok, gota go and wake up early tomm. and for the record, i Do Not have a car, i Am Not getting a parking space because i would have nuthing to put in it. unless i resteal my orange cone. that would make me happy as a clam on thanksgiving~~~you figure it out. ;)

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